How is it possible that people can change their minds, so easily?

Like in one minute you believe in A and then suddenly you wake up one day and you want B.

Is it because slowly A is starting to feel too real and so your defense mechanism kicks in and the most logical thing to do is to kick A to the curb and come up with something such as; B?

But I just don't get it. When you decide to suddenly change your mind, do you ever wonder and stop to think to as how it would affect the other party? How do you even build up the courage to do that?

Really. This is a legitimate question I am asking because it seems like people do and say things which always contradict with their true feelings.

I beg you. Just don't say it if you don't mean it.

But then again, from the words of Murakami,

"My point is this: in this whole wide world the only person you can depend on is you."

"Bakat dikurnia jangan disalah guna, Jangan kufur nikmat yang diberi percuma,Guna kelebihan untuk hikmah bersama."  

 Last weekend was by far one of the most hectic yet amazing weekend I have had since I can remember. 

1) I met up with the bride-to-be Nurul and her fiance for a quick lunch and it was just nice to get together and talk about life, work, and of course her wedding preparations. Because come on, I am a girl who still gets giddy inside when I hear about wedding preparations. With all the flowers, dresses, halls, I got nervous inside like as if I was the one getting married! Hah! I still can't believe that this person I've known since I was 14, who ultimately failed together at trying to skateboard is getting married in 4 months. Wow, time just needs to like, chill out and let me finish my cup of tea.

2) I went to Buku Jalanan's birthday bash at Shah Alam with Zharif after meeting up with Nurul. It was a laid back non-fancy type of festival which was just perfect in its own way. With a couple of stages set up for forums and discussions, live performances, it was nice to see everyone gathered around just for the music and some input. The theme of one of the forums was "Dari P. Ramlee ke Rindu Awak 200%" which when I saw its title on one of the posters actually really caught my eye. Although I didn't have the whole chance of listening to the whole forum, it definitely did make me wonder on how drastically our film industry has changed from being something so classy to something so...unrecognizable. 

3) We ended the night at the batting cage in One Utama with one of Zharif's friends who had made it clear that he needed to clear off all the things he had on his bucket list before he graduated which meant me twisting my every muscle trying to swing the bat and actually hitting the ball. I'm not even talking about hitting the baseball so that it had an actual trajectory; but like hitting it so that it'd bounce off and nearly bruise me type of hitting. But I had a really good time because it was so nice to actually let go and be myself in front of the guys. Then again, when have I not ever been my weird old self when I'm with Zharif? So, yeah.

4) I spent the Sunday at Dapur Jalanan. This was probably the highlight of my week in total. I had heard of Dapur Jalanan-which is basically a soup kitchen, when I was still studying in Japan but since then had never actually participated in anything. Luckily, Zharif is very much active in Dapur Jalanan so it was just the perfect opportunity for me to actually experience it myself. And let me just say, you just have to be there to actually understand the whole experience. Unfortunately for me, it was raining cats and dogs when Zharif and I reached Pasar Seni's LRT station and we got automatically soaked from all the rain and wind that came at us. I was practically freezing underneath my wet clothes which got me thinking; I wonder how the homeless people deal with it. They obviously don't have a place to call home to, so I wonder where they shelter at. Or if they even shelter at all, because as we all know, these people like to walk and scatter around. The thought of that immediately erased me of my worry about the rain and how cold I was. I was just lucky enough to actually have clothes on to keep me warm.

 So by the time we started giving out food, it was already 6 pm because the food came late due to heavy rain and traffic. Mind you, it was still drizzling while we were giving out food. We were lucky enough to actually find a spot to put all the food despite raindrops dropping into some of our bubur kacang and air laici. 

 While I was there, there was this one lady that caught my attention. She had been waiting behind Zharif and I while we were waiting for the food to arrive. She had a little boy with her. And she sat him down as he opened up one of his new toys which I peeked to see was a character figurine thingy from The Hobbit. I honestly thought at first that she was just another volunteer probably just wanting to help around. But later did I discover, while I was giving out food, she strolled by and said thank you with her two hands full of nasi, roti canai, and sandwiches while her kid followed beside her. Then it hit me. She and this kid, she wasn't waiting for the food to arrive so that we could provide for them; she was one of them who needed the providing. So the strings on my heart tugged. I wonder what happened. Why was she there. Did she really have no place to go to? Or maybe her husband left her and she had no financial aid because we all know how common these type of stories are. But nonetheless, where was her family? I still can't stop thinking about it. I wish I had the time to ask her where she was from, how old her little boy was, because he looked pretty much Mikhail's age. I got home that night thinking and wishing if I could really just do more, you know? There must be something more I could do than just give out food. If it was possible, I wanted to follow them to where they were staying just to look at the state of what they call 'home'...

 We see so many homeless people on the streets sometimes and we're scared of them because their mainly old men with cut out shorts and t-shirts but its when you join these kind of activities you realize, that there's actually more to that. Just because they dress different doesn't make them less of a human than we are. Zharif even told me that there's actually a whole family that is homeless. A whole family. Imagine that. Imagine what a loaf of bread to the whole family could do. So many of us believe that charity is so associated to money. I don't deny that charity funds are a great way to help, but that can never, ever, be equal to the feeling you get from giving something such as food directly to someone and actually looking them in the eyes when they truly say, 'Thank you.'

 All I can say is, my one day in the rain with the homeless people has taught me more about life than any book/forum/talk has. 

 I went to Laman Seni at Section 7, Shah Alam today for some creative soul-feeding session. I've heard about this street art gallery many times before but have never actually made my way to see it despite living only 15 minutes away from it.

 It was as nice as I expected and also as crowded as I expected it to be. I pretty much made a wrong decision in coming on a weekend because well, apparently Malaysians use their weekends wisely by lingering around malls and coffee shops when they could just be re-charging their day off from work at home watching Law and Order or sipping tea while cozying up in bed with a book. But then again; that's just me. So I'll just post up some pictures here;

 There are still more at the gallery (-well it wasn't really a gallery as you would call it as it was more of a back door alley full of street art) but these were all I managed to take amongst the crowd before the rain came pouring heavily down. Talk about luck, huh?

 But overall, it was a good experience. I've never been to anything like this before so it was fun to actually do something new which I have promised myself I'd do much more of just to open my eyes and re-discover everything.

 I have so much respect for all the people who were involved and even more for the artists themselves. To have so much passion to be able to portray something so unique and beautiful for everyone to see is just so amazing. Which made me re-think to what my passion was and what I've been doing to fulfill it. My number one passion is reading, especially poetry. And second is of course this; writing. Writing practically releases my soul.

But I wonder if I'll have the courage enough to actually use my passion to portray something as beautiful as these artists have portrayed..

 On a lighter note; so snakes and ladders, anyone?

 So, social network. We have Facebook, Twitter, and urm, all kinds of other social networking sites I'm probably not cool enough to know.

 I've actually been off the radar on Instagram for a couple of months now. I don't know. Maybe its the little negative side of me that just doesn't wanna see people with their new stuff, their happy faces, etc. Or maybe its just the me that would like to keep Instagram sacred as I've always known it to be since that evening of July. I leave it like that. I can't remember the last time I posted a picture. All I know is that, I just don't feel good doing it anymore. But if my name does happen to pop up on your phone screens indicating I have liked one of your posts; feel special. Rarely do I go on Instagram nowadays either than to check up on my favorite people. :)

 I've started running away from Twitter lately. Honestly, I basically just deleted every social networking site apps I had on my phone. So if I really wanted to indulge and waste my time on it, I'd had to push myself and go to all the trouble of using Google Chrome. Which, is as we all know, is pretty much troublesome as it is.

 But I still post on Facebook sometimes, a quote here and there, just to make sure everybody knows I'm still alive. Though, I'm not sure anybody would care much.

 I did realize one thing though. My mind's been working its creative side much much much better than before. I can be in the car driving and my mind would just space out and come out with paragraphs and paragraphs of sentences I didn't even know I could come up with. So that's a delight. I like the feeling. Of thinking. And keeping it to ourselves. Or just jotting words down on a tissue paper. It makes me feel good.

So I'm gonna do that more often. You can always find me on WhatsApp, or Line. I haven't gone totally anti-social; mind you. I'm just letting my brain do all the talking this time. So forgive me if I space out sometimes when we meet up; it's been happening a lot lately.

I've been working for almost 3 months now.

I didn't really choose Emerio as the place to spread my wings; but it came at a time when I was at my lowest and anything besides staying at home was better.

And after 3 months, Emerio has really taught me a lot. I've gained experience of working on shifts, with the Japanese, and also I've learnt the many quirks working people have.

But...that's it.

I can't talk about working in Emerio so passionately as I've watched my bestfriend talk about his work everytime we meet up. And somehow, I have envied him and have tried to vicariously lived through his passion.

And after our long talk last night; which was one we haven't had for in such a long time, he made me realize how much I've actually strayed from who I am deep inside.

I've been so caught up in being emotionally torn apart, that I've actually lost sight of the true me.

For people who know me, they know well that I don't like to do things when it doesn't involve passion.

I can't say how long I'll be staying in Emerio, and I don't even know what I'll do next.

But i do realize, like what my bestfriend said to me last night; that to achieve happiness I have to fulfill my desires first.

Some soul-searching is on the way.

 And to my best friend who stayed up with me until 2 AM just to remind me of the person I once envisioned myself to be; Thank You. 

Its okay.

I've been on a limbo with life lately. 

 I have my good days and bad days; but mostly the latter.

 Sometimes all I wanna do is curl up in bed and let all the memories explode in my chest. To cry everything out until I dry out my tears to only be left with emptiness.

 But then one day I realized; its okay.

 Its okay to wanna feel everything all at once. Its okay to wanna just mourn over something that was once so beautiful in your life.

Its okay.

Its okay to feel human.

 I just have to remember to rise up again after each fall. Because with each rise, I will grow stronger.

A lot has happened in the past two months since I got home.

I've seen my life crumble apart, as I slowly pick up the shattered pieces.

I see myself from afar and think, "How did I get here? And for the second time?"

I am reminded of why I put those walls up.

To guard off all the darkness lurking around.

But he pushed through, and I pulled him inside as he slowly broke down the walls until not even a brick was in sight.

But now; here I am again. Everything seems nostalgic. It feels like everything that has happened since then was just a dream.

I have found myself here again.

Behind another tall wall. But this time it's different.

Because this time, the wall has a door.

And the door wishes to only be visible to one person.

It kills me to see that you think nobody cares about you.

When all I’ve done all this while; is care. Even though there have been countless times where you have knocked me down and tossed me away. 

I still woke up with my scraped knees and bitter heart, half-standing just barely awake. And the first person I turned to was you. To care again; for you. 

So, no. It is not fair for you to say that nobody cares about you. Because you had me. And you probably always will. 

Talk.

"It feels like a lifetime since I've seen you genuinely smile. I can tell how tired you are by looking at your eyes. How many times have you cried yourself to sleep, my dear? I can tell how stressed out you are by the wrinkles on your forehead. I notice how you space out sometimes. Flashbacks come when you least expect them to, don't they?"

"He said he loved me. He said it to the world. That I was his 'Always and Forever'. But why did he leave? What did I do to drive him away without a single goodbye? Am I that unworthy? Is it selfish to say I wished he would have fought for me?

It hurts. Everything hurts. My heart. My body. Everything. Why did he do this to me? Has he forgotten all the promises we made to each other? Did I really mean nothing to him; so easily he tossed me away."

"I know it does. I'm pretty sure he loved you as much as you have loved him. It's just that maybe during this time, he's forgotten to love you back. Anger and hate has taken the best of him and turned him into someone unrecognizable. But remember, if he loved you, he wouldn't have left you cold like this. Doesn't matter what the circumstances are. Or how bad the situation has gotten. If he wanted you, he would have stayed and fought for you. That's what love is supposed to be about. You stay, even when all arrows are pointing the other way.

I want nothing more than your happiness. Can you not see that? I saw how he made you smile; how he made you happy. I was ready to give you to him. But now...how could I? When I have seen nothing but hurt in your eyes. How dare he destroy you in front of me?

I have made my mistakes, and I have asked for forgiveness. It doesn't matter if he will not forgive me, so long as God has accepted my repentance. Because to err is human.

Think about it carefully. Don't go. Trust me on this. It will only give you more harm, than you can ever imagine. Be strong. Don't succumb to your weakness. You're stronger than this. You have more willpower than this. Don't go. Please. I ask nothing more from you."


*partly fictional. Partly. 

Broken.

 If there's one thing people haven't figured out by now is that; I love Thought Catalog. I love how painfully real and honest the articles are. Oh what I'd give to be able to write as good as the people on Thought Catalog.

I was browsing through Thought Catalog a couple of days ago and stumbled upon this..heart-wrenchingly beautiful article called, "To Anyone Who Has Just Suffered A Heartbreak". Considering my situation, it seemed appropriate that I open and read it just for fun.

But the moment I started reading, I couldn't help but realize how much it connected so well with me. Like as if the words were coming out from the screen and speaking to me in a language that was in sync with the language of my heart.

This person has not only captured the moments of a heartbreak, but also the little details you encounter through it.

"You had your chance to make a difference. You’ve tried your best, but that doesn’t make it any easier, or alleviate the pain. Want to know a little secret? The purpose of pain is neither to make us sad, nor it is to give us big lessons on truths about love. It simply serves as a reminder."

My favorite part from the article would definitely be;

"A relationship needs work; it has to go through the test of time; one needs to fight for love — this, only you have the answer, and only the future can tell you whether you’re right or wrong."

And only the future can tell you whether you're right or wrong.

Fair/Unfair

 I am so tired.

 So tired of people wanting to make decisions for me. Let alone people who have already made their decisions, for me. That one's even worst.

 Do people not realize that I also have a say in everything?
 That I also have a right to defend myself?
     To say what I think is right and to decide what I think is appropriate for myself?

 I am so tired.

 I get A, and people say B. I do B, and then people tell me to go get C.

 Everybody is being really unfair. I get how life is unfair and all. But it is only unfair when our hands are tied behind our backs and our mouths are shut with duct tape. That is how the term, "Life is unfair" is supposed to be played out. When the inevitable happens.

 But my hands are not tied, and my mouth is free to speak on its own. I have a say, a right, a decision that I can stand up and fight for, and to have it taken away from my every existence is just..disappointing.

 And at the end of it, you expect me to be content with everything that you have decided?
 How is all of this; supposed to be fair to me?


Who made you king of anything, anyways?

"All my life, I've tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide" 

 

And I whisper to the wind;

And I read, and read, and read over and over again the words you embedded in that book. The beautifully constructed sentences that touched every scar.

For where has that beautiful and gentle soul gone?

"Send him my love and prayers", I whisper to the wind.

For I am still here; waiting and hoping for the day he turns back and realizes that I was his beginning and his ending.

Smile.

"Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though its breaking."-Nat King Cole

Here's an awesome cover to listen to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkT0N8f05WE

Betray?

What's the matter with us humans? When will we ever learn that once you lie, the truth will come biting back sooner or later.

I don't like to be lied to. Especially when it involves something and someone I love.

You didn't have to lie..
We could have just found something better..

And when I finally confronted you in the car, you stayed quiet without an explanation. Do you have any idea what you've done to us? What you've put me through? The guilt I have to live with? The pain I have to go through; because of your mistake?

Having to live with your lie, and you letting me to take the blame is just...dissapointing.

Why do I always end up being the victim?

When I am always the one who is willing to do everything for everyone.

...Why?

And The Mountains Echoed.

I finally got my hands on Khaled Hosseini's latest book, 'And The Mountains Echoed' when I went book hunting at the KL International Book Fair at PWTC with Zharif the other day.

And best part was, I got it for 20% off! Totally made my day.

After two days of intensive reading, I have finally finished and I was blown away just as I was after finishing his amazing 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'. Hosseini is an amazing storyteller. The way he develops his characters and the immensity of their stories is just pure genius.

Although I admit, I though that their were too many characters involved in the book to a state where it got a bit confusing to me. But nonetheless, it pulled through. All the waiting I did to get my hands on the book was worth every second.

I immediately started reading Deborah Rodriguez's 'The Little Coffee Shop of Kabul', which also is a page-turner. Can't wait to immerse myself more in it. It'd be exciting to see the antics of an American author write about Afghanistan.

On the other note, I am struggling. But I also think I am pulling through. Well for today that is. We'll see how I cope after a couple of days. *gulp*

And to that, I will go back to continue listening to Adele's 'Take It All' because, well, what else can you really do with a heartbreak?

"You've given up so easily, I thought you loved me more than this."

I.just.can't.

"I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe love conquers all. And that doesn't mean there's not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person that does it for you and knowing, that person loves you back. It just makes everything so much easier."-Haley, OTH

Urm. *trying to hold back tears*

No. I just can't.

Be right back.



Oh, the feeelssssss.

Passenger.

 Woke up early today to a heavy heart.

 Its just one of those days..you know? Sigh.

 So I found myself finishing Tuesdays With Morrie....again. I never knew the book could move me in such a way. Maybe I just wish there was a 'Morrie' out there for me to teach me every Tuesday about life and death.

I bought the book way when I was too young to comprehend the meaning of it all. How can you be 18, and already wonder about how to live life until your death? I was 18, clueless, careless in love and all I wanted was the next thing every young girl wanted. I remember reading it back then and thinking it was an awful book. Borrring. Nexttttttt. Then again, back then my genre of reading was more on Chick-lit so I'm actually at awe in how I even managed to pick up this book at that age. But I've grown older, and wiser I hope. And apparently, this book was just what I needed.

Sidenote:

 Was browsing through Youtube, and found Boyce Avenue's version of  'Let Her Go'. Ergh. This song. The lyrics. I just cannot. Oh dear God, my heart is heavy again.

"Dreams come slow, and they go so fast." 

Change. It always has to start somewhere, right?

I'm not a big fan of change. People coming and going, seasons transforming, direction of the wind changing. I am always the type of person who just doesn't understand why everything can't just be..constant.


  To be the best version of me.
  To be a better me.
  A stronger me.
  A more decisive me.
  A more determined me.
    For a deserving you.


And for that, I must change.

Like birds that spread their wings and migrate to survive when harsh conditions are around.

Head/Heart

I am in love.

 I first heard Christina Perri's 'Human' after seeing numerous people comment and review about her new album 'Head or Heart' on her Instagram. So i caved in...

 And it was magical. Then I tried listening to 'The Words' which is also...magical.

 I have fallen in love with Christina Perri. And to know that she wrote all these songs by herself. The album has its own chemistry with Perri, I assume. But I have somehow also found myself connected to her new album.

 Try listening to 'Be My Forever'. It features the ever-so-talented Ed Sheeran.

It'll make you giddy and happy all at the same time, even if you've just had your heart torn apart.

Before Sunrise

So I watched this movie last night called 'Before Sunrise' as recommended by Thought Catalog, my one and only source to the amusings of the heart and life itself.

Its a movie about two people (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy), one American and the other French, so they meet in a train ride and they get to talking and he shares with her this one beautiful story about seeing his late grandmother in front of his yard when he was a young boy. They instantly have a connection, and they decide to stop in Vienna where Ethan Hawke or in the movie Jesse, has to catch a flight the next day to get back to the US from Vienna. 

So they spend this one whole night immersing themselves in the beauty of Vienna and its people. They even bumped into this poet that tells them to give him a word and he'll create a poem using it; for free. Only if they like it, then they can pay however they want to the poet. 

It seemed beautiful to me. To walk around town and suddenly run into a poet. I am a sucker for poets, in case you didn't know. I am amazed at how they can use just words to simply lift your day up and enlighten your mood. Like words dancing on a piece of paper just rhyming on about life, love. What's there not to love?

Another favorite part of the movie was when they were at a cafe, and they pretended to be on the phone with their friends, and their 'fake' talking to their friends about each other. To be so honest about one another when the other person is staring right at you is just...undescribable. I don't know if I could ever do that..

Their romance ends with her catching a train back to Paris and him flying back to the US. They promised they'd meet each other again after 6 months at the exact same date. 

I just found out that they don't meet up. That the stars didn't align for them. But apparently after 9 years, they meet again in Paris where he is married, with 2 kids. This is all continued in the sequel 'Before Sunset' which I will probably immerse myself in tonight. So more on that later. 

The movie doesn't have much action, if you're into that genre. But its more action of the words. I love their conversations. I secretly want to vicariously live through them. To meet someone in the most unexpected way, and to find him to be your best friend, and to discover that love in him..is amazing. And all kinds of beautiful.

Makes me feel like I should take a get-away with my best friend/soulmate to just..sit and talk and walk all day in a city we've never been to.

That'd seem nice. 

"If there's any kind of magic in this world..it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know it's almost impossible to succeed...but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." 

I remember you.

 24th March 2014 commemorates the day I finally graduate from Chiba University with a Bachelor in Applied Chemistry and Biotechnology. Sound fancy, huh? Trust me, it wasn't easy.

 I can still remember the first day I got to Japan. Enduring the cold, the constant battle of having to do everything on your own. But this 4 years has taught me nothing but determination. Determination in whatever you do. For its is true; that when you put your mind to something, nothing is impossible.

 I thank my family and friends for all the support, love, and encouragement. There have been numerous occasions where I have called up some of my friends to just de-stress and relieve myself from all the pressure. Everybody was always there when I needed them.

 But, there is someone who deserves more than just a thank you from me. My late Mama deserved to be here with me to celebrate. Sadly, she is not. She was the one who pushed me out of her womb and let me breathe the air of the world. The world is many things Mother, many you did not have time to teach me. But I am learning. As much as I dedicate my 4 years of hard work to you, I dedicate the rest of my experience after this to you also. For without you Mother, I would not be here. I miss you and I pray to see you once more again. I know you will be waiting for me. And when that time comes, we will talk about all the glorifying days of my student life, my career, my family, and many more like as if you were never really gone in the first place.

 Everything I do, I do it for you.

 Lately, it has started once again to feel hard without you around. Especially now. When we both need your guidance so much. But I know you are with us. Everyday. Every second. Every time. Close to our hearts. I hope you pray the best for us.

"They say have courage, and I'm trying to. "

Go-to

 

 So apparently disappointing people is the go-to of my life. 

 When will you ever be useful, Faten? 

 You're 24 for God's sake. 

  I'm currently at that phase where my mind is saying one thing, but the heart is telling me to do the other. 

 How in the world did I even manage to get myself in this, again? 

So....disappointing..

 Really, there's only so much a heart can take.

Immortal Beloved.

"Good morning, on July 7

      Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I nedd a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours"

 A friend posted this on a social network, and I just fell in love with it. This is one of Beethoven's love letters which were found after his death. The compilation of these letters are entitled, The Immortal Beloved Letters.

  So heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

Taking a leap

I made the decision with rationality. 

Not to harm. 

I am not a person that easily makes big decision. In fact, i don't like making big decisions. Because I'm too afraid to suffer the consequences; if things go the opposite way. 

But i took a leap. And i did it. And it felt good. Because I know it was something i had always wanted. 

To stand up and say what you want; made me feel good. For once in my life. 

But never did I think that it would haunt me as to be nothing more but; regrets. 

Regrets. 

I have so many of them I never thought this would be one of them. 

Funny how you think that since you've had it broken before, you'd be numb to it. 

But, no. 

The second time feels even worse.

13/1/2014

     

 

 "It's the end of an era,"

 The boyfriend has officially ended his student life. No more law school! *fireworks* 

 And in two months, it'll be my turn. Can't wait for us to start the new era together.

Congratulations, love. You've made it. Good luck for your future undertakings. I will be with you. By your side. Through all your choices. 

I promise. 

Sidenote; two more months and goodbyee LDR!