Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Comfort zone





 I don't open up easily. I was always the quite one who had no friends back in school. I never had a 'close friend' when i was in grade school. Back when I lived in Jakarta, Syamira was probably the closedt I had to a 'close friend'. I prefer having one good friend then having so many in one clique. Then when we came back to Malaysia, I had no friends again. Everybody didn't like me or were probably scared of me because apparently English was the only medium language I had known. I grew up in a household where we spoke English. It wasn't easy being 12 and an outsider at the same time. That was when I realised that I had started to close myself from everybody. I didn't want people to talk to me. I didn't want people to know me. It was easier that way. I guess I finally opened up myself when I got to high school. But because I kept changing schools, there was a time when I thought to myself, "Mehh being alone isn't so bad,". So i retreated back to my younger self. It was easier that way.

 But now its different. I actually have a lot of people I can count on, I can open up to without judgement. People who really know me will say, "She's the type of person that once starts to talk, won't stop talking." I honestly am, though. Maybe because its been so hard for me to open up to people that when I do find someone I can easily talk to, I can't stop.

 But I feel like lately I haven't been able to open up so much. Lately keeping things to myself seems to be happening a lot. Maybe its my conscious going, "Everybody else has problems too. Yours doesn't even some up to half as awful/tiring as theirs are."

 And so i retreat. 

 Retreat to my shell I once called home.   


 And I lit a candle.