MH89

 Finally coming home to my favorite people.

This time's trip back home is a different kind. At first it was because of Abang's wedding. But now, under these circumstances and conditions, I guess I'm coming home for some sign of direction and mostly..clarity. 

The big question is: 

         So what comes next? 

 

Calculus wins

Situation: right after the first part of the exams;

 S: Okay, so I obviously am failing this exam. I had no idea how to do the integral for this equation *points at paper* 

 Me: *staring at paper* *cricket sounds* ...*more crickets*....Oh yeah, totally. Couldn't do that one either. Totally get what you mean. 

......................

     Integration? We had to integrate that? 

So looks like that's the end of my post-grad career. Haha

 Oh well, look on the upside of things. 5 days until I get home and get to see this handsome face; 

5 days!

Carbon-carbon

  Carbon-carbon bond freaking. 

    Carbon-carbon bond freaking.

       Bond freaking. 

...no idea what I was trying to write there. 

Oh God, exams are in less than 24 hours and my head is spinning in all possible angles. 

Make.it.end. Pleaseeeeeee

13:28

 Put your trust in Him, love.

 InsyaAllah :) 

Kids do the darnest things #1

 So I had a skype session with the family yesterday night. First time we skype-ed since Raya. It was good to see familiar faces. 

 So while I was talking to Mama, she suddenly started laughing and saying " look at Mikhail". I, of course being the overly obsessed big sister that just had to observe my little brother's every movement (-oh dear God I hope I'm not like this when I have my own children); insisted that Mama move the laptop screen so I could see what he was doing. 

With technology, distance is no longer a barrier, my friend. Hahahaha

 And so Mikhail was doing this;

 Apparently Mikhail had taken Papa's reading glasses and started to imitate Papa studying. He even acted like there was a laptop in front of him and started pressing the buttons on the keyboard in mid-air like this:

Mikhail's good. Papa types exactly like that! Hahahaha



I just can't wait to be home!

"I came, I saw, I conquered"

 Less than a week to my post-grad entrance exams (5 days to be exact) and I have kept it cool. Except for yesterday; when it actually hit me in the head that everything is weighing on this exam and so I did what I know best..I panicked. 

 But thank God Abang and Zharif were around to calm down my nerves. Something abang said hit really close to the heart though; 

 "Don't for a minute think that me or anyone else will think less of you if you fail." 

*silently cries* 

 I've always been one that's scared of failures. But I can't really control what'll happen in the future no matter how near it is, kan? 

Fighting, fighting! 

"We write words we can't say"

"O captain! My captain!" 

 I recently watched 'Dead Poets Society' and totally fell in love with it. Made me fall so much more in love with poetry and the English language itself.

Some things I managed to pick up from the movie;

• We often tell people to see the world through our eyes, but how often do we sit down and think that maybe sometimes, some things are meant to be seen through the heart. 

• Stand up for what we want; for what we are. 

• Don't lose to conformity. Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean we have to string along with it. 

 Best of all, Dead Poets Society taught me to keep balance; between realism and romanticism. Heck, if we were all realists, where would all the hopeless romantics go in this world?

 I totally lost myself in the movie. The poems used, the poets described, I really literally wanted to actually be in the movie so I could actually learn from Keating.

“We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for.” 

 And I save the best for last;

“If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - Carpe - hear it? – Carpe, Carpe Diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.” 

Carpe Diem. 

The center of the universe.

 I have an issue of constantly wanting to please everybody. I know, it's not healthy.

 I also have a social anxiety of constantly worrying what other people think. I know, not healthy either.

 For example, I am at constant war with myself almost everyday on even just deciding the little-est things such as what outfit to wear for the day, or how my hair should look, or what shoes won't look so mismatched with these jeans, etc. Its a constant battle. And it definitely isn't easy.

 I wonder constantly to as why I have this..complex? Can't really put a finger on why type of complex this is. I figure everyone else is probably battling the same issue as I am. But..why does that girl on the train look so cool with just her sweatpants and a t-shirt. I wouldn't be able to go out looking like that. Oh the horror of just thinking what other people would think of me. Sigh. People amaze me sometimes. They have such..guts. I really need to start looking for my own set of..guts. Haha

 Some people might say, "Chill lah, you're not the center of the world. Nobody has that much time to actually analyze you." Yes, yes, I know. I know I'm not the center of the world, or heck, the universe. I tend to over analyze everything. Like how I want those pair of pink denim jeans so badly, but don't have the guts to actually buy them because I know they'll just end up locked away in the cupboard because I will never have the guts to wear them. Sometimes, I actually end up buying these stuff. And then of course, later learn to regret it. I have confidence with myself, I do. But its not really about confidence anymore when in the end of the day you're swamped with a guilty feeling within you.

 I just think that it is just so hard to actually stand out. "Be yourself", they say. Easier said than done, huh?

 So if I were given the choice to have a superpower, I'd probably choose one which could make me control other people's thoughts. I am a control-freak by the way. So that would just be the icing to my cake. But this is the real world. Superpowers don't exist, love. You can't control people from thinking what they want to.

You can, however, control how it affects you.

 So maybe I'll start with that. Yes, I think I just will.