The harmony-seeking idealist.

 I recently did this 'What's your personality type?' quiz everybody was sharing around on Facebook. These things seem to be popping up everywhere on Facebook! Has everybody gone insanely curious about themselves, or did I miss something?

Anyways, so apparently I am; 'The Harmony-seeking Idealist.' ......seriously, could you be more accurate?

So I went to reading what people of "my type" are like and this is what it said;

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character.

Seems plausible enough. So i thought to myself, well this is going well. Until I started reading the next paragraph. Mind you; these people have a really way of fooling you into giving you the positive stuff before giving you the negative parts of it because they wrote that^ in bold and large sized fonts.
So this is what came afterwards;

But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy. 

They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism.

Harmony-seeking idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships.

The worst thing is; its all true. I really don't like conflict. I'd rather get hurt, be quite about it and back down then having to create a scene.

But then, people tend to forget. It's really not easy being the harmony-seeking idealist. Because we choose to be the quite ones. The ones that eat up all our emotions to make you feel good.

Our presence is always mistakenly taken for granted.

 

Comfort zone

 I don't open up easily. I was always the quite one who had no friends back in school. I never had a 'close friend' when i was in grade school. Back when I lived in Jakarta, Syamira was probably the closedt I had to a 'close friend'. I prefer having one good friend then having so many in one clique. Then when we came back to Malaysia, I had no friends again. Everybody didn't like me or were probably scared of me because apparently English was the only medium language I had known. I grew up in a household where we spoke English. It wasn't easy being 12 and an outsider at the same time. That was when I realised that I had started to close myself from everybody. I didn't want people to talk to me. I didn't want people to know me. It was easier that way. I guess I finally opened up myself when I got to high school. But because I kept changing schools, there was a time when I thought to myself, "Mehh being alone isn't so bad,". So i retreated back to my younger self. It was easier that way.

 But now its different. I actually have a lot of people I can count on, I can open up to without judgement. People who really know me will say, "She's the type of person that once starts to talk, won't stop talking." I honestly am, though. Maybe because its been so hard for me to open up to people that when I do find someone I can easily talk to, I can't stop.

 But I feel like lately I haven't been able to open up so much. Lately keeping things to myself seems to be happening a lot. Maybe its my conscious going, "Everybody else has problems too. Yours doesn't even some up to half as awful/tiring as theirs are."

 And so i retreat. 

 Retreat to my shell I once called home.   

 And I lit a candle. 

Happy one year!

This post is definitely long overdue, and I can't believe I forgot to write about it together in my last entry. Then again, it deserves its own post so here goes;

 We celebrated our one year together last 27th August. It was good that I was home for the celebration. We couldn't come up with any good ideas as to what to do for our one year celebration. So we figured, what a better way to celebrate our one year than to actually re-live our first date.

So we went to Chilli's!

Ugh, god. Buffalo wings! So delicious. He had beef quesadillas (which by the way I actually google-d on how to eat since they had so many condiments, I just didn't know what to do with), while I had a plate of lamb shoulder with the best mashed potatoes ever.

 The happy couple and my bowl of chicken bones haha

 I was so blessed to be home for our anniversary just because I know how much it means to him considering how we only get to see each other every 6 months. He has been such a good and loving boyfriend for the past year, and so understanding. Not every man is up to the challenge of LDR (read: long distance relationship) and after what I had been through, I never really thought I could deal with another LDR. But he soared through and showed me the wonders of it all and I'm just really glad to have him by my side. 

Cheers, love. 

I can't wait for our next celebration and all the other ones after that.

It's always been you, hasn't it?

Summer lovin'

So this is how I spent my summer break:

1. My best friend's wedding

   My nemo buddy finally got hitched! She's been planning it for almost a year and to finally get to see her on the pelamin was too overwhelming that I almost cried. Cheers to the happy couple! <3

2. My brother's wedding

    My eldest brother got married last 31st August and it was amazing and hectic at the same time. He's the first of our family to get married and so some things were out of place and whatnot, but it all ended well enough. As you can see, the theme was green. Never thought green would actually look nice for a wedding theme. The hall was nice with an antique museum-like backdrop. Got to meet and catch up with so many faces I hadn't seen since probably high school. And sooo....cheers to the happy couple! 

3. My wedding

   BAHAHAHA! I wish!! 

Let's scratch that one out.

3. My wedding

3. High school reunion

   After approximately 5 years, we finally had a PH5 high school reunion. PH5 was what we used to call our 'clique' or 'group'. Yes yes, something in the likes of Vivy Yusof's Proudducks. Haha 12 hours straight of laughters and non-stop talking with these amazing 5 girls. If it wasn't for the fact that one of us had classes the next day, we probably would have stayed up talking all night long. We've changed so much from our high school years and its just so good to finally get together. Hopefully it won't be another 5 years until our next reunion. 

 4. Day out with the siblings

   The boyfriend insisted we took my siblings out for day trip to KL and since I had promised Amanda something for her birthday earlier, we decided to take the kids to Petrosains. I found myself actually stopping and reading all the fun facts and whatnot instead of just going 'Ooh! Games!' Haha maybe its just the age catching up with me :/

 So that was basically how I spent most of my summer. Didn't manage to finish any books like I would always do. I have this thing where I do a summer reading challenge and I try to at least finish one good book. I brought back The Great Gatsby but all it did was act as a prop for my bedside table. But I did finally finish reading it on the plane back to Japan though. Tried re-reading my Sweet Valley books only to have it end in vain. So no summer reading challenge accomplished this time. *sigh*

 Then again, I mean, come on. What's The Great Gatsby compared to spending time with these two sweethearts?

Probably would have stuffed both of them in my luggage if I could. 

Nothing can compare to spending time with my favorite people. Nothing. 

"People always leave"

Well, some people.

I've always been told that I am a person who thinks of others too much even to an extent of putting their feelings above mine.

My boyfriend and I always get into a fight about this issue; because its almost impossible for me to say 'No' to people.

 "You're too nice", they say.

Maybe it's the thought of wanting to just..please everybody. So I give in. And in. And in.

But sometimes..it'd be really nice to be felt appreciated in return. To not feel like I've been taken for granted. Just once in a while is good enough. Just enough to know someone actually appreciates your company just as much as you appreciate theirs.

It really doesn't take much to make my day.


(Excuse the hormones talking. They have overdrive in gear right now.)

MH89

 Finally coming home to my favorite people.

This time's trip back home is a different kind. At first it was because of Abang's wedding. But now, under these circumstances and conditions, I guess I'm coming home for some sign of direction and mostly..clarity. 

The big question is: 

         So what comes next? 

 

Calculus wins

Situation: right after the first part of the exams;

 S: Okay, so I obviously am failing this exam. I had no idea how to do the integral for this equation *points at paper* 

 Me: *staring at paper* *cricket sounds* ...*more crickets*....Oh yeah, totally. Couldn't do that one either. Totally get what you mean. 

......................

     Integration? We had to integrate that? 

So looks like that's the end of my post-grad career. Haha

 Oh well, look on the upside of things. 5 days until I get home and get to see this handsome face; 

5 days!

Carbon-carbon

  Carbon-carbon bond freaking. 

    Carbon-carbon bond freaking.

       Bond freaking. 

...no idea what I was trying to write there. 

Oh God, exams are in less than 24 hours and my head is spinning in all possible angles. 

Make.it.end. Pleaseeeeeee

13:28

 Put your trust in Him, love.

 InsyaAllah :) 

Kids do the darnest things #1

 So I had a skype session with the family yesterday night. First time we skype-ed since Raya. It was good to see familiar faces. 

 So while I was talking to Mama, she suddenly started laughing and saying " look at Mikhail". I, of course being the overly obsessed big sister that just had to observe my little brother's every movement (-oh dear God I hope I'm not like this when I have my own children); insisted that Mama move the laptop screen so I could see what he was doing. 

With technology, distance is no longer a barrier, my friend. Hahahaha

 And so Mikhail was doing this;

 Apparently Mikhail had taken Papa's reading glasses and started to imitate Papa studying. He even acted like there was a laptop in front of him and started pressing the buttons on the keyboard in mid-air like this:

Mikhail's good. Papa types exactly like that! Hahahaha



I just can't wait to be home!

"I came, I saw, I conquered"

 Less than a week to my post-grad entrance exams (5 days to be exact) and I have kept it cool. Except for yesterday; when it actually hit me in the head that everything is weighing on this exam and so I did what I know best..I panicked. 

 But thank God Abang and Zharif were around to calm down my nerves. Something abang said hit really close to the heart though; 

 "Don't for a minute think that me or anyone else will think less of you if you fail." 

*silently cries* 

 I've always been one that's scared of failures. But I can't really control what'll happen in the future no matter how near it is, kan? 

Fighting, fighting! 

"We write words we can't say"

"O captain! My captain!" 

 I recently watched 'Dead Poets Society' and totally fell in love with it. Made me fall so much more in love with poetry and the English language itself.

Some things I managed to pick up from the movie;

• We often tell people to see the world through our eyes, but how often do we sit down and think that maybe sometimes, some things are meant to be seen through the heart. 

• Stand up for what we want; for what we are. 

• Don't lose to conformity. Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean we have to string along with it. 

 Best of all, Dead Poets Society taught me to keep balance; between realism and romanticism. Heck, if we were all realists, where would all the hopeless romantics go in this world?

 I totally lost myself in the movie. The poems used, the poets described, I really literally wanted to actually be in the movie so I could actually learn from Keating.

“We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. So medicine, law, business, engineering... these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for.” 

 And I save the best for last;

“If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - Carpe - hear it? – Carpe, Carpe Diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.” 

Carpe Diem. 

The center of the universe.

 I have an issue of constantly wanting to please everybody. I know, it's not healthy.

 I also have a social anxiety of constantly worrying what other people think. I know, not healthy either.

 For example, I am at constant war with myself almost everyday on even just deciding the little-est things such as what outfit to wear for the day, or how my hair should look, or what shoes won't look so mismatched with these jeans, etc. Its a constant battle. And it definitely isn't easy.

 I wonder constantly to as why I have this..complex? Can't really put a finger on why type of complex this is. I figure everyone else is probably battling the same issue as I am. But..why does that girl on the train look so cool with just her sweatpants and a t-shirt. I wouldn't be able to go out looking like that. Oh the horror of just thinking what other people would think of me. Sigh. People amaze me sometimes. They have such..guts. I really need to start looking for my own set of..guts. Haha

 Some people might say, "Chill lah, you're not the center of the world. Nobody has that much time to actually analyze you." Yes, yes, I know. I know I'm not the center of the world, or heck, the universe. I tend to over analyze everything. Like how I want those pair of pink denim jeans so badly, but don't have the guts to actually buy them because I know they'll just end up locked away in the cupboard because I will never have the guts to wear them. Sometimes, I actually end up buying these stuff. And then of course, later learn to regret it. I have confidence with myself, I do. But its not really about confidence anymore when in the end of the day you're swamped with a guilty feeling within you.

 I just think that it is just so hard to actually stand out. "Be yourself", they say. Easier said than done, huh?

 So if I were given the choice to have a superpower, I'd probably choose one which could make me control other people's thoughts. I am a control-freak by the way. So that would just be the icing to my cake. But this is the real world. Superpowers don't exist, love. You can't control people from thinking what they want to.

You can, however, control how it affects you.

 So maybe I'll start with that. Yes, I think I just will.

Mama

My late mother was a very strict parent. I remember those nights when I was only in pre-school and Mama had me reading the kiddies dictionary. I had to read every word in the dictionary and memorize the spelling. She would sit in front of me as I read, with a rotan neatly placed beside her. In the end she wouldn't end up using the rotan. But the idea of it sitting a mere centimeters away from me pretty much shook me up for the rest of my childhood haha

Despite her strictness, she always made it to all of my choir recitals, my sports day, etc. She was always there in the audience with that heavy video camera we had back then, waving her arms so I would be looking at the camera. And thanks to her, I now still have all those video tapes of my childhood days which I will one day sit down with a box of Capri-Sonne and watch all day just to reminisce. 

The last time I talked to Mama was at the hospital. We didn't talk much because of all the medicine that she was taking had made her drowsy and all. So at the end of the day, I sat in a chair in the corner of the room reading a book I just bought, and when I looked up I saw that she was smiling while watching me. I smiled back, unknowingly that it would be the last time. 

I've grown up a lot now since the last time you saw me, Mama. I'm no longer that little girl you used to scold at for playing soccer with the boys until maghrib. 

I only have you to thank for shaping me into this woman I am becoming. You are my role model, always and forever.

Thank you, Mama. 

Happy mother's day to all the mothers and soon-to-be mothers :)

Sayonara spring break.

 I have spent the last days of my spring break cooped up in bed watching movies and TV shows all day long to only wake up to my stomach grumbling. If I were a person that was able to not succumb to hunger; I'd probably be in bed all day. Oh, what a life.

 I officially start my final year tomorrow. Wow, time flies by fast huh? I have such a mixed emotion about it. At one time I'm over the moon excited and at one time I just wanna close my eyes and wish I didn't have to deal with it :/

 Spring break was fun despite my short trip back home. Best part was being able to read a newly finished novel entitled 'Ekstasi Rumi'.

 To be honest I'm not really much of a Malay novel reader maybe because I have an image that Malay novels have the same genre of either a story about marriage by contract, or the typical girl goes to study overseas and finds a rich guy who will probably be a snob and then BOOM! They end up falling in love and getting married. (read: not interested)

 But this novel was different. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop!
 It has a soul of its own. And the fact that it involves Rumi means so much more to me. Go read Elif Shafak's Forty Rules of Love and you will understand why. You will learn to love Rumi as much as I have learned to love him. He has that special charismatic aura in him which is perfectly portrayed in the novel by the way.

 So, the novel was about so many things at the same time. But in the end it all came back to; perspective. It relates to the whole seeing the glass half empty analogy. That's the thing with the novel or shall I say the writing itself. Every sentence you read gets you thinking. I especially loved one sentence; 'Terperangkap dalam terperangkap'. The narrator was talking about how he was stuck in between two situations. Something in the likes of..inception?

'Kadang-kala tak semua benda boleh dibaiki atau dihidupkan semula. Ada yang lebih baik ditinggalkan begitu sahaja; tidak perlu diperbetulkan semula. Hanya kita sahaja yang perlu keberanian untuk berubah atau terus duduk dalam ketakutan.' -Ekstasi Rumi

 This is a special part of the novel that I also happened to fall in love with. He was talking about the past and how we're always  haunted by our past that it traps you so hard you're not even able to move. But in the end its up to you to do what you have to do.  Of course, I instantly related to it so much more that the moment I read it, some strings in my heart were tugged.

 As for characters; I love the fact that the author never really gave a name to the narrator. It gives that whole mysterious thing I especially find interesting in a novel. And plus; I loved guessing if the author is actually telling the story of himself or not through the character. I have asked about this to the author, but he has refused to tell me anything. Pfft  =.=
 However, my favorite character had to be Maria. She was portrayed as the victim of her father's own actions as she was betrayed by the man she loved when he gave her away to prostitute. Tragic, no?

 Overall, a wonderful novel well written and definitely worth reading.

 I loved the book and I love it more knowing the fact that I happen to be dating the author. *grin*

She will be loved.

"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

-Rumi

The art of sadness.

 

Ugh.
Emotions. Always needed to be felt. Always wanting to be felt.
So fussy, so complicated.


Ugh.

Blind-sighted.

Oh, Hello.

...why do I always have this awkward feeling every time I start to write again? Blegh.

It's been 3 months since the last time I've posted anything. Well its not like I haven't tried; I have. Its just I end up clicking the 'X' button on the right corner before actually pressing the Publish button.

This past week has been quite an emotional ride. It's like I'm battling against my own emotions; which in the end just tires me out and gets me all grumpy and not exactly fun to be with. I pity the boyfriend the most. *sigh*

So anyways, I saw something while on the train home today which really got me thinking.

I saw a blind lady with her husband.

Her husband was ushering her to one of the empty seats for her to sit at.

I wasn't staring, I swear. And it wasn't like I haven't seen situations like that before; but somehow this time it felt so different. Like I said, I have been a roller coaster of emotions this past week. It got me thinking to stuff like how I'm actually really lucky to be able to see. And I don:t mean like the whole be able to see the world and all its glory stuff but to actually be able to see the people you love. I mean imagining waking up one day and not being able to see your parents? Not being able to see your boyfriend/girlfriend? Not being able to see your cat, even! It actually got me thinking to a point where I actually think I would be able to deal with not being able to see the person because of a loss more than to know that the person you love is just sitting a mere inches next to you and to not be able to see their smile, the squint in their eyes when they laugh, the different expressions they make when their talking...that just really got to me.

Okay so I admit, the thought of it actually teared me up for a while but I didn't want to be seen as the crazy girl who randomly cried in the LRT; so I managed to hold it together.

And thus here I am blogging while eating a box of strawberry flavored Pocky with a new sense of thankfulness for the life that I have been given. I am forever thankful. I am thankful to God for giving me the chance to experience something not exactly everybody is able to do. Its really good to be reminded, sometimes.

Maybe He just wants me to remember to never forget to appreciate everything, and everyone.

So 2013 resolution number one;

make sure everyone around me knows how much I appreciate their presence in my life. 

...so please don't hang up on me if I happen to randomly call you up and scream out 'I love you' :)