'Hear you me'

24th of December probably means a lot to about almost half of the people on this planet. It's Christmas Eve. Where you go around houses singing Christmas carols and where children leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk near the Christmas tree; and wait for Santa and its reindeers to come by and leave 'em presents.

Well, I don't celebrate Christmas. But nonetheless, 24th of December has a significant meaning to my life. 

It's the day that my Mama was born. 

 I vaguely remember back in Jakarta when Syamira and I were probably 8 or 9 years old; and it was Mama's birthday. We baked her a cake. With absolutely no baking experience (well, we were in 2nd grade), we mixed up a mixture of Milo, sprinkled some salt, sprinkled some sugar, tossed in some eggs, spread the batter in a pan and stuck it in the oven for probably about 40 minutes. As you can see, we did not use any flour at all.

 So as you would know, it didn't turn out well. It came out salty and..slimy. Haha But I remember that it wasn't the taste or how it looked like that mattered most at that time. It was the face of joy Mama gave me once I presented her the cake. Priceless. Mama actually took a couple of bites out of it, though. 

 Mama, I can bake now. I know now that flour is one of the essential ingredients of making a cake. I could make you a carrot cake, 'cause I know its your favorite. Or I could bake you a chocolate cake with chocolate toppings and sprinkle almonds, and I'd make sure that it has just the right sweetness you like.

 But you're so far away now..So far away that it's impossible for me to even hug you, kiss you on the cheek and say 'Happy Birthday Mommy, I love you'. 

 You're so far away...but yet you're so close. 

Just a little bit out of reach, but not too far so that I can still feel the warmth of your arms around me. 

Happy Birthday, Mommy. 

I love you, always. 

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big."

A sense of clarity.

Cinta bukan mengajar kita lemah tetapi membangkitkan kekuatan. Cinta bukan mengajar kita menghinakan diri tetapi menghembuskan kegagahan. Cinta bukan melemahkan semangat tetapi membangkitkan semangat. -Hamka

 I find strength in the lines and bars of a song, a poem, and even in a quote.

 Just when I was starting to lose hope; to feel empty again after such a long time, I opened up the box and these words appeared before my eyes;

'Cinta bukan mengajar kita lemah tetapi membangkitkan kekuatan.'

 I found my clarity, baby. 

 Breaking down is the easy part. The hard part is getting back up again. There's always gonna be something that's gonna tear my soul apart. There's always gonna be something that will tear down my confidence. But to what extent am I gonna let it bother me? Will I walk away? Or will I stand tall by you, and fight along side with you?

The me that I've become to know is so much more stronger than this. And I've known it for the past 3 months, no, make that for the past 4 years; as long as I have you by my side, I'll be standing up fine. As long as I have you by my side. As long as you're by my side.