Saturday, February 17, 2018
1. As of 4th August 2017, I have become Mrs. Zharif Badrul. The feeling of marrying your best friend and your lover all wrapped into one is probably the most magical thing ever. The moment we locked eyes on each other after the 'akad nikah'; we knew it was gonna be one amazing journey for us.
2. After 5 months of marriage; WE'RE PREGNANT! *fireworks* To be honest, I didn't think I would be pregnant so early in our marriage; but then when you think about it I've known this man for about 10 years and I'm pretty sure I know all his amazingly weird quirks; so why the wait, huh?
So here I am, back on this blog as an expecting mother --i'm 8 weeks pregnant by the way. I still have a longgggg way to go. I was re-reading my previous posts before I decided to update this post and I thought to myself, 'Wow. How time has flown by so damn fast."
How am I feeling being pregnant? Tired. Bloated. And just constantly hungry and sleepy. Haha but no--I don't know how to describe it but it is such an amazing feeling waking up every morning and putting your hands on your belly and imagining how you're about to carry another human being for the next 7 months. It is just such an indescribable feeling. I am constantly checking the app I downloaded for my pregnancy tracker to see how big my baby is now, how my body is changing, how my baby is developing....so to sum it up, I'm pretty obsessed with this baby right now and it's not even born yet! Oh god, I'm probably gonna spoil him/her so bad....
Though, if there was ONE thing I would love to have right now would definitely be...the presence of my late mama. Ma, how I wish you were here so I could just call you up to ask you if these cramps I'm getting time to time is normal. How I wish I had you to share your labor room experiences with me. How I wish to share my excitement and also to tell you how scared I am to undergo this life changing moment. I lost you at 16...at such a young age and I just wished you were here.
But....at least I have Papa. The closest thing I have to you, Ma.
Count your blessings, Faten.
"Its good to see the world for its beauty again," I whispered in my heart as the wind blowed through my hair as if complying my every thought. It was time to go home and the least of my worries that day was deciding whether to cook for dinner or take something to-go.
My phone vibrated and I could see that a friend had texted me to ask if I was up for Sushi. Below the notifications of the text I could see that someone had liked a post on my Instagram. The name looked so familiar, tugging on my heart as if they once echoed through my dreams. Once I realized who it was, my heart practically jolted.
"Is it really him? How did he find me? We haven't spoken in a year; does he even still remember me?" were among the questions that arose into my mind.
I distinctly still remembered the last time I talked to him. It was through a Facebook message. We had been talking; even though both had gone separate ways with separate people. I ended it, despite it almost tearing my heart apart. It didn't seem right at the time. I was in love with this person, but I was ultimately in a relationship with another. It was just not fair to either of them. And since then, we hadn't spoken. Saying our goodbyes through the words of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. The song was practically a taboo after that. I could not listen to it; without having a thought of him in my mind.
I had been single for 8 months at the time he suddenly came back into my life. I had finally let go of the heartache and loss; and I was scared. Scared that the presence of the past would shatter my every belief I had so strongly structured along the 8 months of recovery.
The first night we spoke, it felt like talking to a lost friend. He had always been someone I found easy to talk to. We would always tease each other, making jokes and making each other laugh unconditionally. It was the kind of connection not many could experience. So when we decided to call through Skype one night, it seemed normal that I felt like I was back in 2009. We teased and even flirted a bit with each other without us even realizing it. We had a spark. Not the type you get through a 'love at first sight'; but through building trust and respect. The type of spark you only get in..best friends. But we both knew, our feelings were more than what it portrayed to be.
Suddenly, I felt like the world wasn't turning its back on me anymore. God had finally given back my friend which I had lost upon deciding the matters of the heart. But then one night, he suddenly confides into me that he still had feelings for me; that his love never waned.
Then there I was again. Back to one of the nights in my 8 month road to recovery where I had solemnly vowed to myself that not again would I ever let anyone come close to my heart again. No one was to enter. Not anymore.
And so I pushed him. I pushed him away. Despite knowing that it would mean I would be losing him again after finally getting him back; I pushed him away. So he couldn't hurt me. So he wouldn't see the ugly pieces of my heart that had been destroyed once by the person who swore to protect me. And I hid. Behind that wall I had built so high. I took comfort in it, and hid. To only come back when I saw that the coast was clear. That he had backed down and retreated from his actions.
And he did. Or so I thought. Until I received a letter in the mail with a stamp from Malaysia.
"I think I've seen this handwriting somewhere," I thought as I tore open the envelope to find a one page A4 paper with so many words on it as if the words were spilling out from the paper.
"It's a love letter," was my first thought.
Upon reading, I couldn't resist the urge to tear up. It was a letter from him; telling me how he would like to take care of me until I had found my way again. I mean, who does that? Give up your heart for the happiness of another's. Who does that?
He did. Because the letter came to me at a time when my heart was starting to shake. It gave more sense to keep him close even though I still had my heart guarded. And so I agreed. Not knowing what the ending would be like.
Monday, November 3, 2014
How is it possible that people can change their minds, so easily?
Like in one minute you believe in A and then suddenly you wake up one day and you want B.
Is it because slowly A is starting to feel too real and so your defense mechanism kicks in and the most logical thing to do is to kick A to the curb and come up with something such as; B?
But I just don't get it. When you decide to suddenly change your mind, do you ever wonder and stop to think to as how it would affect the other party? How do you even build up the courage to do that?
Really. This is a legitimate question I am asking because it seems like people do and say things which always contradict with their true feelings.
I beg you. Just don't say it if you don't mean it.
But then again, from the words of Murakami,
"My point is this: in this whole wide world the only person you can depend on is you."