In the stillness of the night, I see blue, red, and yellow.
In the stillness of the night, I see a silhouette of light.
In the stillness of the night, I see a memory of the past.
In the stillness of the night, I see what could have been.
In the stillness of the night, I see my own shadow.
But is it really me, though? Something looks so different.
In the stillness of the night, I see the future. Our future.
In the stillness of the night, I see another shadow of me.
Oh, a shadow of an image of whom I thrive to become.
In the stillness of the night, I have come to understand the
sadness of being happy and lost at the same time.
In the stillness of the night, I am indeed lost.
Trying to find a happiness in a sorrow I can’t understand.
In the stillness of the night, I am lonely and helpless.
Helpless to myself, helpless to thyself.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Shoot for the stars, they said.
Oh Hello, old blog.
I haven't talked or heck spent even 5 minutes with you in such a long time.
My last post I was 8 weeks pregnant, and now I've come to a whopping 29 weeks!
Above is an update of how I look in case y'all have forgotten me. pfft who am I talking to?
Excuse my tired face. I never thought pregnancy could take such a toll on your body and LIFE. I got through my first trimester with a lot of struggles. I luckily didn't have any morning sickness, but I couldn't stand the smell of onions and--guess what? Coffee. Funny, coming from such a coffee addict. Friends at the office repeatedly came to me saying sorry with a tumbler filled to the brim with coffee and all I could do was stuff my nose in my Tiger Balm. *I should really write a thank you note to the founder. Tiger Balm was my best friend for the first few months.* Besides having a hateful relationship with onions and coffee; I was also constantly sleepy and tired all through out the first trimester. My morning routines were; get up and get ready for work, get in the car and sleep throughout the whole ride to the office, arrive the office and take a 15 min nap, finish work, get in the car and sleep through the whole ride home, have dinner at home and finally fall asleep again at 9pm.
Poor husband. He was probably bored to death during it all for not having anyone to talk to since I was 70% asleep through the whole day. I swear it wasn't intentionally. I just felt so tired to an extent where I felt that I literally just wanted to quit work and stay in bed until the baby came out. Oh, how I dream of such a luxurious life. But nooo, I got bills to pay and a baby coming our way so I gotta work work work.
My second trimester was better. I was more energetic, to say the least. Lets just say I didn't spend all day sleeping like I did during my first trimester. And my appetite got better, which was good. Because I'm a foodie. Being a foodie does not go hand in hand with appetite loss. It just doesn't work out. Getting work done at the office had become more bearable which was good. Because lets face it, I happen to like my job right now, so getting up in the morning and having a better/positive aura throughout the day definitely adds up to all of it.
I have just started my third trimester. And it's been going good so far, I think. They say that usually you'll start to feel everything you felt during your first trimester again once you enter the third trimester. I have been feeling a bit tired lately, but that's just probably all the stress at work.
The baby is growing and developing fine. We did a 6D scan 2 weeks ago and he looks so much like me! Oh, the baby's a He! Yes people, we're having a little boy!! He shall be good in sports and also good in mathematics because I'm such a typical asian parent who has always secretly wanted to be a soccer mom. We have a name already for him, but we like to refer to him as Baby A.
I haven't talked or heck spent even 5 minutes with you in such a long time.
My last post I was 8 weeks pregnant, and now I've come to a whopping 29 weeks!
Baby is coming, people! MAKE ROOM FOR BABY.
Above is an update of how I look in case y'all have forgotten me. pfft who am I talking to?
Excuse my tired face. I never thought pregnancy could take such a toll on your body and LIFE. I got through my first trimester with a lot of struggles. I luckily didn't have any morning sickness, but I couldn't stand the smell of onions and--guess what? Coffee. Funny, coming from such a coffee addict. Friends at the office repeatedly came to me saying sorry with a tumbler filled to the brim with coffee and all I could do was stuff my nose in my Tiger Balm. *I should really write a thank you note to the founder. Tiger Balm was my best friend for the first few months.* Besides having a hateful relationship with onions and coffee; I was also constantly sleepy and tired all through out the first trimester. My morning routines were; get up and get ready for work, get in the car and sleep throughout the whole ride to the office, arrive the office and take a 15 min nap, finish work, get in the car and sleep through the whole ride home, have dinner at home and finally fall asleep again at 9pm.
Poor husband. He was probably bored to death during it all for not having anyone to talk to since I was 70% asleep through the whole day. I swear it wasn't intentionally. I just felt so tired to an extent where I felt that I literally just wanted to quit work and stay in bed until the baby came out. Oh, how I dream of such a luxurious life. But nooo, I got bills to pay and a baby coming our way so I gotta work work work.
My second trimester was better. I was more energetic, to say the least. Lets just say I didn't spend all day sleeping like I did during my first trimester. And my appetite got better, which was good. Because I'm a foodie. Being a foodie does not go hand in hand with appetite loss. It just doesn't work out. Getting work done at the office had become more bearable which was good. Because lets face it, I happen to like my job right now, so getting up in the morning and having a better/positive aura throughout the day definitely adds up to all of it.
I have just started my third trimester. And it's been going good so far, I think. They say that usually you'll start to feel everything you felt during your first trimester again once you enter the third trimester. I have been feeling a bit tired lately, but that's just probably all the stress at work.
The baby is growing and developing fine. We did a 6D scan 2 weeks ago and he looks so much like me! Oh, the baby's a He! Yes people, we're having a little boy!! He shall be good in sports and also good in mathematics because I'm such a typical asian parent who has always secretly wanted to be a soccer mom. We have a name already for him, but we like to refer to him as Baby A.
We went shopping for baby stuff and this was pretty much the damage to incurred us. Anything for Baby A!
So that's pretty much it for updates on my life. As you can tell, pretty much of my life is all about the pregnancy and the baby, so yeah.
As for books, I'm currently reading Susan Cain's Quiet. I honestly haven't been able to get through much books of this genre, but this one is doing good for me so far. I've been putting books on hold for so long leading me to have such a long list of to-read books. I think I secretly have been putting them on hold just to make sure I won't be bored during my 3 months maternity leave. That's right, people. 3 months of no work and just waiting for the pay check to come in every month. Woohoo!
In case I forget to update again in the nearest future, do pray that I have a smooth delivery and that I won't break my husband's limbs in the labor room!
Saturday, February 17, 2018
8 weeks.
UPDATE:
1. As of 4th August 2017, I have become Mrs. Zharif Badrul. The feeling of marrying your best friend and your lover all wrapped into one is probably the most magical thing ever. The moment we locked eyes on each other after the 'akad nikah'; we knew it was gonna be one amazing journey for us.
2. After 5 months of marriage; WE'RE PREGNANT! *fireworks* To be honest, I didn't think I would be pregnant so early in our marriage; but then when you think about it I've known this man for about 10 years and I'm pretty sure I know all his amazingly weird quirks; so why the wait, huh?
So here I am, back on this blog as an expecting mother --i'm 8 weeks pregnant by the way. I still have a longgggg way to go. I was re-reading my previous posts before I decided to update this post and I thought to myself, 'Wow. How time has flown by so damn fast."
How am I feeling being pregnant? Tired. Bloated. And just constantly hungry and sleepy. Haha but no--I don't know how to describe it but it is such an amazing feeling waking up every morning and putting your hands on your belly and imagining how you're about to carry another human being for the next 7 months. It is just such an indescribable feeling. I am constantly checking the app I downloaded for my pregnancy tracker to see how big my baby is now, how my body is changing, how my baby is developing....so to sum it up, I'm pretty obsessed with this baby right now and it's not even born yet! Oh god, I'm probably gonna spoil him/her so bad....
Though, if there was ONE thing I would love to have right now would definitely be...the presence of my late mama. Ma, how I wish you were here so I could just call you up to ask you if these cramps I'm getting time to time is normal. How I wish I had you to share your labor room experiences with me. How I wish to share my excitement and also to tell you how scared I am to undergo this life changing moment. I lost you at 16...at such a young age and I just wished you were here.
But....at least I have Papa. The closest thing I have to you, Ma.
Count your blessings, Faten.
1. As of 4th August 2017, I have become Mrs. Zharif Badrul. The feeling of marrying your best friend and your lover all wrapped into one is probably the most magical thing ever. The moment we locked eyes on each other after the 'akad nikah'; we knew it was gonna be one amazing journey for us.
2. After 5 months of marriage; WE'RE PREGNANT! *fireworks* To be honest, I didn't think I would be pregnant so early in our marriage; but then when you think about it I've known this man for about 10 years and I'm pretty sure I know all his amazingly weird quirks; so why the wait, huh?
So here I am, back on this blog as an expecting mother --i'm 8 weeks pregnant by the way. I still have a longgggg way to go. I was re-reading my previous posts before I decided to update this post and I thought to myself, 'Wow. How time has flown by so damn fast."
How am I feeling being pregnant? Tired. Bloated. And just constantly hungry and sleepy. Haha but no--I don't know how to describe it but it is such an amazing feeling waking up every morning and putting your hands on your belly and imagining how you're about to carry another human being for the next 7 months. It is just such an indescribable feeling. I am constantly checking the app I downloaded for my pregnancy tracker to see how big my baby is now, how my body is changing, how my baby is developing....so to sum it up, I'm pretty obsessed with this baby right now and it's not even born yet! Oh god, I'm probably gonna spoil him/her so bad....
Though, if there was ONE thing I would love to have right now would definitely be...the presence of my late mama. Ma, how I wish you were here so I could just call you up to ask you if these cramps I'm getting time to time is normal. How I wish I had you to share your labor room experiences with me. How I wish to share my excitement and also to tell you how scared I am to undergo this life changing moment. I lost you at 16...at such a young age and I just wished you were here.
But....at least I have Papa. The closest thing I have to you, Ma.
Count your blessings, Faten.
For 6/6.
It was a sunny day; not too hot but not too cold. Just the perfect kind of evening to end what seemed like a dreadful day after countless hours of being trapped in the laboratory.
"Its good to see the world for its beauty again," I whispered in my heart as the wind blowed through my hair as if complying my every thought. It was time to go home and the least of my worries that day was deciding whether to cook for dinner or take something to-go.
*Ping* *Ping*
My phone vibrated and I could see that a friend had texted me to ask if I was up for Sushi. Below the notifications of the text I could see that someone had liked a post on my Instagram. The name looked so familiar, tugging on my heart as if they once echoed through my dreams. Once I realized who it was, my heart practically jolted.
"Is it really him? How did he find me? We haven't spoken in a year; does he even still remember me?" were among the questions that arose into my mind.
I distinctly still remembered the last time I talked to him. It was through a Facebook message. We had been talking; even though both had gone separate ways with separate people. I ended it, despite it almost tearing my heart apart. It didn't seem right at the time. I was in love with this person, but I was ultimately in a relationship with another. It was just not fair to either of them. And since then, we hadn't spoken. Saying our goodbyes through the words of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. The song was practically a taboo after that. I could not listen to it; without having a thought of him in my mind.
I had been single for 8 months at the time he suddenly came back into my life. I had finally let go of the heartache and loss; and I was scared. Scared that the presence of the past would shatter my every belief I had so strongly structured along the 8 months of recovery.
The first night we spoke, it felt like talking to a lost friend. He had always been someone I found easy to talk to. We would always tease each other, making jokes and making each other laugh unconditionally. It was the kind of connection not many could experience. So when we decided to call through Skype one night, it seemed normal that I felt like I was back in 2009. We teased and even flirted a bit with each other without us even realizing it. We had a spark. Not the type you get through a 'love at first sight'; but through building trust and respect. The type of spark you only get in..best friends. But we both knew, our feelings were more than what it portrayed to be.
Suddenly, I felt like the world wasn't turning its back on me anymore. God had finally given back my friend which I had lost upon deciding the matters of the heart. But then one night, he suddenly confides into me that he still had feelings for me; that his love never waned.
Then there I was again. Back to one of the nights in my 8 month road to recovery where I had solemnly vowed to myself that not again would I ever let anyone come close to my heart again. No one was to enter. Not anymore.
And so I pushed him. I pushed him away. Despite knowing that it would mean I would be losing him again after finally getting him back; I pushed him away. So he couldn't hurt me. So he wouldn't see the ugly pieces of my heart that had been destroyed once by the person who swore to protect me. And I hid. Behind that wall I had built so high. I took comfort in it, and hid. To only come back when I saw that the coast was clear. That he had backed down and retreated from his actions.
And he did. Or so I thought. Until I received a letter in the mail with a stamp from Malaysia.
"I think I've seen this handwriting somewhere," I thought as I tore open the envelope to find a one page A4 paper with so many words on it as if the words were spilling out from the paper.
"It's a love letter," was my first thought.
Upon reading, I couldn't resist the urge to tear up. It was a letter from him; telling me how he would like to take care of me until I had found my way again. I mean, who does that? Give up your heart for the happiness of another's. Who does that?
He did. Because the letter came to me at a time when my heart was starting to shake. It gave more sense to keep him close even though I still had my heart guarded. And so I agreed. Not knowing what the ending would be like.
"Its good to see the world for its beauty again," I whispered in my heart as the wind blowed through my hair as if complying my every thought. It was time to go home and the least of my worries that day was deciding whether to cook for dinner or take something to-go.
*Ping* *Ping*
My phone vibrated and I could see that a friend had texted me to ask if I was up for Sushi. Below the notifications of the text I could see that someone had liked a post on my Instagram. The name looked so familiar, tugging on my heart as if they once echoed through my dreams. Once I realized who it was, my heart practically jolted.
"Is it really him? How did he find me? We haven't spoken in a year; does he even still remember me?" were among the questions that arose into my mind.
I distinctly still remembered the last time I talked to him. It was through a Facebook message. We had been talking; even though both had gone separate ways with separate people. I ended it, despite it almost tearing my heart apart. It didn't seem right at the time. I was in love with this person, but I was ultimately in a relationship with another. It was just not fair to either of them. And since then, we hadn't spoken. Saying our goodbyes through the words of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. The song was practically a taboo after that. I could not listen to it; without having a thought of him in my mind.
I had been single for 8 months at the time he suddenly came back into my life. I had finally let go of the heartache and loss; and I was scared. Scared that the presence of the past would shatter my every belief I had so strongly structured along the 8 months of recovery.
The first night we spoke, it felt like talking to a lost friend. He had always been someone I found easy to talk to. We would always tease each other, making jokes and making each other laugh unconditionally. It was the kind of connection not many could experience. So when we decided to call through Skype one night, it seemed normal that I felt like I was back in 2009. We teased and even flirted a bit with each other without us even realizing it. We had a spark. Not the type you get through a 'love at first sight'; but through building trust and respect. The type of spark you only get in..best friends. But we both knew, our feelings were more than what it portrayed to be.
Suddenly, I felt like the world wasn't turning its back on me anymore. God had finally given back my friend which I had lost upon deciding the matters of the heart. But then one night, he suddenly confides into me that he still had feelings for me; that his love never waned.
Then there I was again. Back to one of the nights in my 8 month road to recovery where I had solemnly vowed to myself that not again would I ever let anyone come close to my heart again. No one was to enter. Not anymore.
And so I pushed him. I pushed him away. Despite knowing that it would mean I would be losing him again after finally getting him back; I pushed him away. So he couldn't hurt me. So he wouldn't see the ugly pieces of my heart that had been destroyed once by the person who swore to protect me. And I hid. Behind that wall I had built so high. I took comfort in it, and hid. To only come back when I saw that the coast was clear. That he had backed down and retreated from his actions.
And he did. Or so I thought. Until I received a letter in the mail with a stamp from Malaysia.
"I think I've seen this handwriting somewhere," I thought as I tore open the envelope to find a one page A4 paper with so many words on it as if the words were spilling out from the paper.
"It's a love letter," was my first thought.
Upon reading, I couldn't resist the urge to tear up. It was a letter from him; telling me how he would like to take care of me until I had found my way again. I mean, who does that? Give up your heart for the happiness of another's. Who does that?
He did. Because the letter came to me at a time when my heart was starting to shake. It gave more sense to keep him close even though I still had my heart guarded. And so I agreed. Not knowing what the ending would be like.
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